My life with Anxiety

Hey guys,

I might have mentioned it before in one of my other blogs but I suffer with Anxiety. Something that can effect my day quite badly and not something that I tend to talk about with anyone. I keep it all quite personal and when I'm about to have an 'anxiety attack' I tend to keep it to myself and I don't like to let people know. It all goes down to my childhood.

For as long as I can remember I was a worrier. I'd worry about little things such as getting into trouble at school or forgetting a book I'd need for a subject (so I'd carry all the books for all my subjects in my bag!) I was always taught that you get over things, don't be weak. Instead of facing my problems or talking about them to someone, I'd keep them to myself and cry and worry about them to myself. And so I learnt that worrying about my small problems was why I was weak. I learnt to put on a front so that no one would know that anything was wrong  to prove I wasn't weak when secretly inside I was crying. I could be worrying about something for days, months even and still pretend to be happy with everyone around me. But when I was alone I'd pace back and forth, cry, have a panic attack to where my body would shake. And all the time that I did this, no one knew. Not even a member of my family or friends. I was always told 'you can't be ill, get up do things! Being ill is weak' and so that is what I did. I was going to prove I wasn't weak.

I'd learnt to deal with my anxiety all by myself that when a friends came along or my boyfriend even and wanted to talk, I found it hard. I'd never had someone I could talk to, someone who wanted to know what was up or troubling me. I still find it hard and I'm having to learn that I have people in my life who want to help me. Now with my mum gone, I've felt less stressed. I'm not saying she was the cause of my anxiety but I think she was part of the reason. We were all mentally and emotionally abused by my mother. I hate to write that cause thats my mum. Thats the woman who brought me into the world, the woman who was supposed to love and care for me, not the things that she did to me and the others.

And if I'm honest, I'm scared of her and have been since I was a child. I remember hiding from her from a small age when I knew she'd start to get stressed cause I knew that I was in for it. I know myself I tried to be perfect for her so that I'd always been on her goodside. But that set off my anxiety as I began to worry I wasn't good enough. And I don't think we ever where in her eyes. But as humans we all make mistakes and I know I do all the time.  Now that she is no longer in my life, I feel better. I have less attacks than I did  But I only have to see someone who looks like her and I begin to worry and panic.  I have to focus on my breathing. . . In and out . . .in and out. . . Eyes closed. . . . In and out.  . .  In and out. Sometimes I'll cry, sometimes I'll start to breath heavily. She's not the only reason why I get anxiety, I will add! Anything can trigger it. Depends on the situation that I'm in at the time. I'm not used to talking about my anxiety and I'm nervous talking about it so  publicly.

 I'm done with it controlling my life. I'm in control of my anxiety, not the other way around!

xxx

tags:theanxietydiaries