I no longer have a relationship with my parents. For the past few years, I've had mixed emotions about this fact. I've felt glad that they aren't involved in my life, sad because when I've needed to talk to someone, I can't pick up the phone and call them. Angry, because they haven't been able to share big moments in my life with them. Happy, because I remember the past and the hurt they caused. It's complicated and a long story, one I'm slowly starting to share.
Today is International Women's Day and I've read people posts on social media saying how their parents are their role model or inspiration. I've cried a bit because I want to write those words down but I can't. If I did, I'd be lying.
It's been a few years now and I still have the last words they spoke to me, running through my mind.
I came to the conclusion that it wasn't going to bother me, (even though it still does at times!) I would be my own inspiration and role model. I didn't need people that had 'raised' me to be my inspiration to live. The more I thought about them, the more I realised that neither of them had a life I wanted, neither of them had life goals I wanted to achieve. I wasn't inspired to be like them. So why would I look up to them?
Instead I looked to others around me. I found strong women- my best friends, two of my Grandmothers whom I speak to, my fiancee's mother, my sisters, girls at work or girls I previously had worked with, family friends I'd known for ages, blogger girls I had made friends with over the internet, even foster carers I've come into contact with. There are so many people I never realised I had in my life. The thing that I learnt was, I had to look around me. Just because I didn't have my parents, didn't mean I wasn't inspired or supported. I had role models right in front of me the whole time. I had someone who was proud of my achievements. I had someone I could call and cry down the end of the phone too. I had someone to share happy days with and memories with. I had someone I could feel inspired with, be crazy with, be a role model too.
The thing I learnt the most was that no matter what happens in life, you just continue living. Sometimes life gives you shit and the past can be a bitch. There are times when you'll be tested to your max and they'll be times when you feel like the world and it's mothers are against you. You just got to keep going. Don't let the buggers keep you down. They'll be times when you are broken and everything seems impossible. The road ahead seems miles away. Just keep on going. It's always worth it in the end. It's not about the destination, it's about the journey getting there.
To all my women I've mentioned in my blog, thank you for being some kind of role model and inspiration to me. On International Women's Day, you should know how much you've inspired me or helped me!
Happy International Womens Day!
♥
X O X O
Kayleigh
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